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Today is #PDAday, and after several years of thinking about starting this blog, I finally ran out of reasons not to take the plunge. I mean, yes we are in the midst of coronapocalypse. Yes, I am “extremely clinically vulnerable” to Covid-19 and have been told to “shield”. Yes, I have three young children I’m supposed to be homeschooling. Yes, I have a boy “L” (9 yrs) with ASD/PDA. Yes, I’m holed up in Devon with my ex-husband. Yes, we might not get to leave the house for the next year. But putting all that aside… it’s the perfect time to start a blog!
So most people have some idea of what Autism is, but a lot of you may not know what PDA or Pathological Demand Avoidance is. It is a profile on the austim spectrum and the PDA Society have a load of information if you want to find out more, but generally it is seen as an anxiety based need to be control. However, this doesn’t even go a little way to explaining the complexity of this profile and how kids with PDA interact with the world. It can be amazing, challenging, hilarious, disturbing, life changing, scary, incredible, traumatising, beautiful and overwhelming. It is a life of extremes - some of the highest highs, and the lowest lows. I think the most important thing you need as a PDA parent is a really strong sense of humour.
1. L and I were on our way to his photography class when we stopped at the garden centre. On our way out through the checkout he proceeded to go up to the very elderly lady at the checkout and say to her “Hey Mother Fucker”. The lady replied with “I’m sorry, what was that dear?”. He proceeded to repeat very slowly “I said… Hey Mo-ther Fuck-er”. I quickly ushered him out the store and into the car where I explained that that is very offensive language and he can’t go around saying that to little old ladies as they will be very offended. We got to his photography class, he ran in and responded to his teacher’s welcome with “I eat Blue Tack”. I explained to him that that was a very confusing statement, and that his teacher would be very confused. He turned to me exasperated and said “Well what would you rather I be then - confusing or offensive?” My answer… confusing, please be as confusing as you like!! (He still likes to be offensive)
2. After a nice walk on the beach we went to have some lunch at the beach cafe. After ordering and sitting down, we were enjoying the beautiful view of the ocean when suddenly L got up, hoisted himself up onto the edge of the terraced decking, pulled up his top and shouted “Look at my boobies, I have big fake boobies, look at them everybody, look at them”. Of course, the whole cafe did… I pulled him down and got him back into his seat when his younger sister started shouting “Oh my goodness L, that was amazing, more boob TV, more boob TV”. Much to my mortification, he got back up and did it again, while his sister and brother laughed their head’s off. Cringing, I got him back down, just as I noticed the table next to ours dissolve into fits of giggles along with the rest of the cafe.
3. L and his siblings were attending a Farm School for a few hours a week when we went to collect eggs from the farm chickens. L suddenly turned to the farmer and asked “Are you a murderer?” The farmer seemed quite taken aback and answered no. “Do you believe in animal abuse then?” The farmer again answered no. “Well, I think that collecting eggs is just baby chick murdering, and you are a MURDERER!!!” The farmer took it on the chin and began quite an informed discussion with L about how these eggs are not fertilised.
There are so many hilarious moments being L’s parent - it is hard to just pick three! Being a parent is hard. Being a SEND parent is even harder. But being a PDA parent - let’s just say that is extreme parenting of the highest order.
